Twenty Eight Pictures

Twenty eight years of battle have made me into a slave, a “victim”, a disabled survivor, a struggling parasite, and over the last year, to my attempts at attaining balance, a bohemian freethinker. Through these years I have ashamed myself, fallen down and begged my way out of some days in life, only to get by, get up again, and fall back down in pieces on other days of life, and even though twenty eight years seems like a long time, for me they went by in twenty eight flashes.

Every year gone by in my life so far, has given me one image, one memory and only one feeling to keep with me, for moving on, or should I say I have always been able to save only any one piece of me. Most of these images are of pain, regret and anguish, and almost all of them in some or the other ways are connected with Love. This isn’t to say that I am hungry for love and that, I am asking for some from you. Nor does it mean I live my life walking alone on the street, talking to myself and staring at other couples. It does not mean I get “dated and dumped” after every few weeks.

It means that I have learned my own ways. I am a loser for love, a complete sucker for romance and love and “love” and all the different things that happen to you when you are in love. I know a lot of people who say they feel the same way as I do. However, this is not about them. This is about me. This is about what love can do to me, and in how many ways I have grown to love that feeling of Love, and let it do so many things to me.

This does not mean I have given up my dignity for love and “fallen” in it repeatedly with every other girl I met after every few weeks.  Well, not always.

There was this once when I even gave up my dignity for love. She took too long to give me a chance. By then my life had turned me around, twisted me and torn me apart. I had begun to become someone else and I thought her love would save me. But it didn’t. By the time she had given me her heart, I had burned out, completely. The rubber was molten away and I was cruising through life on wheels made from the dreams of metal. There was fire everywhere and I had burned all my bridges behind me. It was time for me to leave.

I had just stumbled across a few borders and then it happened to me again. I saw her, and my bags fell out of my hands, I broke a lampshade and tripped over my own foot into my new dorm room. In the beginning I did not know I had fallen so hard. But when I realized, it was so late to turn back – the Sun had set and I found myself in the dark, drowning in common fluid poisons, burying myself in work without breaks for weeks, eating a few biscuits every day and selling my things one by one – moving from a large personal apartment to a one hundred square foot room atop someone else’s terrace at a throw away price, only to buy more of that dreaded fluid poison, that has destroyed everything we know of in time, by way of a slow, agonizing spiritual death followed by the rotting of the walking corpse, until it finally falls apart and disintegrates, only to soon disappear. All we remain are but a memory.

However, something saved me.

My life was shadowed by fears of all kinds of things. My mind was cracking rapidly, and little concrete chips from the vertical edges of my emotional structure were beginning to scoot down to the basement of my soul, in the wind. There was nothing left for me there. The town seemed stranger every day, and on one odd afternoon, I packed my bags and walked out. I left behind all of my belongings, as they were in the room, and closed the door never to go back for them.

All I could manage was to board a cargo train to another city – a journey of three days in a cold, dark chamber through the mountains. I remember, I didn’t think about anything else but all the people I loved and those who loved me and how much warmth and beauty I had once shared with them, and I realized I could never go back to any of them, ever again.

There is something about Love that is “Lost” by virtue, and it can only be found again, in love.

Whether they say I am depressed, perpetually lovelorn or even emotionally manic, it does not make the slightest difference to me. Love has been the only eternal constant of my life. Since the moment I was born, I have either chased love only to find it easily and squander it, or to find it with difficulty and give it so much that I lost everything I ever had, all the way to coming close to finding it forever; only to lose it in a moment, again. One moment; all it takes for a camera to take a picture, and it’s gone, for all eternity. You are left with only one thirst; the thirst for Love.

You think it is not the thirst for love that births into you the lust for money? Isn’t it the deep-set craving for love that drives us to change and morph into different beings, even though we may not be happy doing it? I expect you’ll concur when I say, everything we do, in every single moment of our time, even if it may be something as pure as dreaming; it is something we do to become the next possible superior versions of ourselves – to want more, deserve more and get more. Our time; this time unfortunately, is a time of shallow waters, where sentient beings chase every next breath of life as if it were leaving, while being completely and clinically I might say, unable to understand, that it is breath itself that holds the weight of our soul; our life force and only known medium of existence, in this Universe – our Universe, in the centre of which, believe it or not is Love.

Indeed, we are the children of one Universe – OUR GREAT MOTHER, who brought us to life in the Milky Way so we could be nourished and brought to life on Earth, as instruments of Love, Belonging and Universal Oneness.

Take a look around you. Does THIS picture, fit the former description? I think not.

With the amount of betrayal we endure, induce and succumb to, I believe we’ve been grossly misfired. Our memories are filled with horrors, fears, disappointments, guilt and regrets. Our happiness turns to dust the moment we touch it, and it often remains a secret that dies quickly.

In all of this time we are being dragged through life; or at least that is how it begins to seem – mustn’t we be careful of what we choose to hold on to, while we make this journey? Shouldn’t we learn to harness the good memories so we can ride the thunder better?

If for a moment, SCIENCE in progress of INVENTION can be thought of as a fond memory – a great picture taken every time a world-changing invention was born -for example, Edison posing with his Bulb in a picture – especially taken to be of record, either personal or for documentation in history, or Tesla posing with his Two Phase Induction Motor – for reminiscence. In that case, every improvement in every invention ever conceived, was made based on the previous version, the previous happy memory * [Key words; improvement, happy memory].

I have always been deeply interested in Science and its spiritual application with rational approaches for achieving rational results. I have derived thus –

“At the unexplained, unseen core of science, there is Love.”

I mean, what else can it be? We don’t understand Love and the moment we try to define it, we lose it. Yet, everything about it seems completely rational.

However, keeping the right pictures and doing away with the wrong ones, does feel pretty good, doesn’t it? Especially on a nice warm afternoon, when you realize you are so happy, energetic and excited to go further ahead on this journey of your life, and you grab the reins and say, “Heehaw” – well, that’s what I am talking about.

We must keep pictures in our hearts, of every moment gone by, when we moved on to the next stage of our life-play; captured and framed. Keep the good pictures; forget the bad ones as if they were never even yours.

At least, I have decided to do that for myself. Three days ago, someone I love, woke me up in the morning and held me and gave me a hug – a soft, warm embrace. By the time I opened my eyes and looked at her, I felt more awake than I have ever felt in my whole life.

I went through the next few minutes cuddling up to Marble and Asphalt, brushing my teeth, having a cup of coffee, standing in the balcony and looking at the birds flittering about on the treetops, and then I realized it was my birthday. That is what all of this love and beauty in the morning, was all about; it was about me, my life and all its power and splendor. I thought I saw someone on the pavement right below my stance, walking and waving at me. I could swear I knew that face. It was so vaguely familiar, yet unfamiliar at the same time.

By his expressions I thought, he seems to have recognized me.

Does he know me?          

He stopped waving after a while and realized that I have not recognized him at all. My face bore an expression of blankness I had never felt before. All I could think of was – He looks familiar, maybe…

He was about as tall as me, wearing the colours I stopped wearing a long time ago – deep maroons and grays. He looked like one of those people in college or at work, who are a little too chilled out for their environments. His face was covered with dark foliage. He looked as if he had just come out of prison and had nowhere to live. His eyes were soft and filled with sadness. His smile was one of loss and fears but bright none the less. He was however, a complete stranger to me. Of that, I have no doubts.

Twenty eight pictures I have collected since the beginning of my time, today having found satisfaction, because I am smiling in each and every one of them. The people with me in those pictures are smiling too. Through my time I have also become a survivor, a fighter, a warrior, a gladiator and now, when I have found my reins again, I shall ride as a barbarian, till I find the twenty ninth panorama of my life, with me in the centre of the vision, at the centre of this Universe, at the core of which is Love; at the centre of my Universe, at the core of which, I am a complete stranger to myself.

There it is; the secret. I found it.


Siddharth Pathak | 1st – 4th April 2014


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