My life is changing. It is changing with every breathing second I live. For some reason, I grew up being what they call a “loner”. When I am with the ones close to me, I participate but at the same instant I am sinking slowly, deeper and deeper into my ocean of solitude.
I do something everyday that I really should not be doing. In fact, once upon a time I would pour myself over someone with care and pure love to make her give it up. However, now I do it. I smoke.
I walk approximately nineteen kilometers everyday; about eight to nine kilometers in the morning to work and the same distance back home every evening. I have no qualms admitting that I am broke. Really broke. Everyone is broke after every few days. Some just get over with the cycle faster. I take weeks and sometimes, months.
Money does not make any difference to me anymore. I don’t really have anything to look forward to at the moment. It has been this way for over a few months now. I have given up on a lot of “good” things which were coming my way but now they have stopped. Now, there is nothing.
I wake up every morning and get dressed for work; leave my home pretending I am okay. I buy the first smoke of the day. I savour the first drag as if it was the last breath of life left in me. My earphones are pouring music into my ears; I feel every ray of the winter morning Sun.
Ah yes, the music…
Frankly, music is all I look forward to these days. My life has always been about the music I listened to. Now, the music is changing. I am changing with it.
My childhood was baptized in retro, country, 80’s pop, classics; ABBA, The Carpenters, Modern Talking, Boney M, Dire Straits, Madonna, White Stripes, The Beatles, John Lennon and Michael Jackson.
My pubic teens were swathed in a lot of Indian film music in regional languages with the occasional dash of Backstreet Boys, Boyzone, Take that, Michael learns to rock; none of which I ever enjoyed that much. It was music other people would listen to and I had to pretend I liked it, so I could fit in.
My tumescent adolescence was sprayed with The Prodigy and other insane electronic music. Rock was slowly filtering in. I hated trance and techno. The only other music heavily influencing my anatomy was the music of Enigma. I grew.
My “sex five times a day” twenties were soaked in a combination of rock, soft rock, sensual rock, hard rock and deeply passionate rock.
Today, at 25, my quarter life crisis is steadily turning me into someone I never thought I could be. I have recently gone through the most brutally traumatic break up of my life. ‘Recently’ is a highly subjective term. I am talking 5 months in the making. Maybe I am still walking in the passage.
However, what I have discovered in this cryptic passage of time is emerging to be the single most brutal, irrefutable, juggernaut cosmic force that is transforming me with every blink of my eye. I have somehow submitted myself to house, lounge and trance.
The music I listen to these days makes me feel distinctly bohemian from inside. Every cell of my body transcends to another universe with the likes of Schiller, Cybertribe, Astrix, Armin Van Buuren, Dj Tiesto, Swayd, Karunesh and Lisa Gerard. This new universe is the one I like being in.
House, lounge and trance do not stir any of my emotions except love. Throughout every phase of my life I have always intensely craved for two things; love and music. The former I always manage to lose and the latter, I always find but never cease to search for.
Intensity is my disease. Every aspect of my being is intense. I can sum myself up in one word; “Intense”.
My senses are at the highest level of transcendental consciousness right now. “The Loss of myself” is a concept I have explored to abyssal depths. Absolution is my only purpose and even though a life may be waiting for me, I don’t know how I will free myself from this blissful embrace of nothingness.
I have hit rock bottom. I am living in the darkest hour of the darkest night. I spend nights immersed in drugs and alcohol. I think I have taken smoking cigarettes to an epic level of “smoking kills”. Five months ago food turned into my enemy and alcohol was appointed as my counselor. It still is.
In moments of silent soliloquy I quote to myself, a line from a brilliant motion picture of recent times, “the night is darkest before dawn…” and I smile a solemn, lost smile.
If you ever had the chance to listen to my silent soliloquy, you would be able to hear a song instead;
“Turn around and smell what you don’t see,
Close your eyes and it’s so clear,
Here’s a mirror, behind there is a screen…
On both ways you can get in;
Don’t think twice before you listen to your heart,
Follow the trace for a new start…
What you need and everything you feel,
Is just a question of the deal…
In the eye of storm you see a lonely dove;
The experience of survival is the key;
To the Gravity of Love…”
(Gravity of Love: Enigma: The Screen behind the Mirror)
I am the dove in the eye of the storm. Once it is over, I will hold the key to the Gravity of Love.
A world of mystical exploration; of the self and it’s conquering, is what I aspire to discover.
But isn’t that what you conveniently call “insanity”?
4th February, 2011